Major Bum-mer

“Do not put statements in the negative form.

And don't start sentences with a conjunction.

If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a

great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.

De-accession euphemisms.

If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

Last, but not least, avoid clichés like the plague”.

- William Safire

So there it is.

Its finally out in the open;I'm a grown man with an 'imaginary friend'. Or so I would choose to believe...

....the psycho Pastor that kept calling me names and dousing us in copious amounts of olive oil didn't think so,mate...

Either way,the disclaimer still isn't ready yet and I'm seriously thinking of getting a new lawyer...

...you should consider resumes that don't say 'buddy since high school' and maybe we could actually get our money's worth.

So till my lawyer/buddy sees it fit to draft the darned thing, we'll just get acquainted with 'The Rift'. Plus its obvious who is responsible for the annoyingly constant comments in italics.

Yes,your right;Ace. I still don't get why I'm compelled to write them...

...you mean besides the fact that your crazy?

I miss being normal. Just another run off the mill 'Joe'...the plumber. But everyday I have to redefine 'normal'... With that said, I believe at some point I'll have to explain what "normal" is in The Rift or maybe you could see for yourself. Here goes nothing...

It was meant to be a normal morning. But I guess it started normal and became 'normal' real quick.

On this 'normal' morning,like every other one before,all i really wanted was electric power,an amazing breakfast, good TV and to wake up in bed with Wendy Fitzwilliam from the Clear Essence ad.

As i lay in bed,thinking about what newbie angel heaven had left in charge of my life and why he was doing such a terrible job...

Or what TAC team in hell was working overtime...

...i figured the only upside to my life then was not having a job. Meaning I could be in the runnings for bum of the year!

I had my mind made up;i christened the day....'Major Bum-mer'!!!!

....catchy aye?

Things needed to make 'Major bum-mer' a success....

Judas(my worn out,super comfy sofa....if only he could talk...the memories...-sigh-),enough chips(bum's fuel) to survive a siege, Coca Cola IVs(caffeine works faster),X-Box360(hopefully me nephew hadn't nicked it yet) and electricity. Ran a check on everything and figured I'd need to drive out to get the 'bum's fuel'.

...TAC team from hell ready and operational,initiating stage one...

I hopped in the car with thoughts of finally cracking Rainbow Six...

3....2....1....

..and the car wouldn't start. I walk back into the house and the electricity was out. Walking outside thanking God for the foresight I had in getting a generator the month before, I wondered what else could go wrong. I pulled all I could but it wouldn't start either;now I was getting worried.

Stage one complete!

Like that wasn’t bad enough I couldn't find the generator technician's cell phone number. Plus I don't do motorbikes, meaning I had to walk to find him......

BAD IDEA!!!

Turns out because I couldn’t see the weather forecast for the day …

NEPA abi PHCN thank you very much! Una do well O!

…it was hot enough grill anything from a whole cow to bonga fish (fresh of course).Now don’t get me wrong it wasn’t totally bad. I had enough music to make Mozart tone deaf. Come to think of it I think that was what set me up for my next unfortunate event.

Initiating Stage Two....

Like any 'normal' day a thief happened to be doing rounds in the area I specifically chose to walk through. Coincidentally I was listening to Kill Bill Vol.2 soundtrack Chingon’s Malaguena Salerosa…

Wipe that look off your face. LOL. Its good music…Seriously!!!

…so I had no idea how insane things where about to get until I heard the loud thwack. I had been hit;hard. I had really large headphones on, surround sound and everything so considering I heard it that clearly...
Now thanks to years of studying 3 different martial arts, reflex produced the counter
Back kick and a ready stance followed by…

....for our mind we be bad ass!!!

But the before I could relish the benefits of a hard trained reflex…

Reality check....Back to the normal day!!!

…I was soaked in something very smelly and received another thwack;up close and personal this time. Aside from the fact that all this was happening so fast for some reason the music seemed to get louder…

But trust me,we could still hear those thwacks; loud and clear!

I had a few seconds to see the thwacker. Turns out he was the fastest runner in the group of like twenty lead thwackers followed by the rest of the neighborhood. Its amazing how I could be thinking all this while I was about to get served some serious butt trashing and a possible lynching; right?
Lets just say my white belt training kicked in; Running-away-from-the-bulls stance.

Abegi !!! even Jackie Chan would have taken off!

For some weird reason...

i guess it had something to do with some little gremlin in our player working hard at it again....

...my media player decided to skip tracks to some Lenny Kravitz song with him screaming something like,"i've got to get away,i've got to fly away".

I strongly believe whatever demons where on call in hell where veterans at stuff like this;i think they are the same guys that make Jack Bauer's day so great...

So while i'm trying to 'run away and fly away',i have your classic Chinese movie flash back scene...

You know the scenes where the lead character is being served a fresh can of butt whooping and he suddenly remembers some skill he got taught half way through the movie or the fact that his family got wiped out or some ridiculous reason like that and then he suddenly becomes the last son of Krypton...go figure!

...and i decide to do the only thing possible..."Thief,O! Thief,O!! THHIIEEEFFFFFF!!!(CENSORED)”.Now at this point your probably wondering how something that obvious and that silly would work.

Your definitely sure i'm lying right now,right?

Well you've never had a blood thirsty mob after you before;now have you?

I didn't think so either.

tsk,tsk tsk...quit being so picky and write...

Anywho,i'm running like one of them doped athletes,an entire neighbourhood at my heels,Lenny Kravitz shreiking in my ears and yours truly screaming after my imaginary thief.

It felt like those times when i was a kid and i knew without a doubt that no one could see me and because i believed they couldn't,they couldn't.

And they actually didn't!!!

At least things where looking up for me and no one was trying to thwack me or pour leftovers or stuff from their bedpans at me. Looking back i realized the psychos that attacked me first had slowed down a bit and the people

behind them hadn't seen me being thwacked so i was home free...kinda.

Erhm...Sorry to bust your bubble mate...but that was just the minions/TAC team going on a coffee break...

Evil minion Union laws.

Hey!They're people too...kinda.

So much for hoping things were actually going to be...normal again mate.

And yes;the coffee break was over...

Being ahead of the mob,screaming and running like i was,it turns out that the rest of the mob thought i was their noble leader!

Hey! i was the embodiment of the psycho mob...what can i say;go figure?

While i stopped to bask in the glory my of sudden promotion from mob target to mob grand master,i noticed...

i'm guessing the minions were pretty pissed that we weren't dead already...

The newbie they left in charge,Little Belzee,messed up BIG!!!So to fix it...

...a sudden confusion within 'my' ranks. Everybody wanted to be everywhere else but with my new found army.

So i'm seriously trying to understand the bloody mutiny and...

Final Stage ready and.....

THWACK!THWACK!!THWACK!!!

This time i took the liberty of adding a little jab and a roundhouse to my infamous back kick...

Too late. There were too many of them anyways;i passed out

Final stage complete...

So much for the bum-plans...

The entire day did turn out to be a major bummer.