Torn in between the two...

"What I do is based on powers we all have inside us; the ability to endure; the ability to love, to carry on, to make the best of what we have - and you don't have to be a 'Superman' to do it."
-- Christopher Reeve.

Yes I know....
Therapy is supposed to be consistent to be effective;my shrink keeps saying that....
The writing is supposed to help express my other feelings and help deal with my childhood rejection or something of the sort...

More like chic rejection...

I'm so sorry this is coming in late.
I've been on the road again and if you thinking its about His royal “pain-in-the-butt”......your right!
A friend's brother's girlfriend referred me to a 'Holy' man of some sorts. As you've probably guessed it was worst than my last attempt...

I really liked the part where I made you throw up on everyone ,do the 360 thing with your head and the deep dark voice effect was the killer! All in all,a performance worthy of an Academy and an Oscar; totally awesome dude!!!!
.....lets do it again sometime....soon!!!

I presume you have come to some conclusions since my last post. I'm also sure one of them is a question of my sanity. My last post; an unbelievable,impossible and downright ridiculous story, right?
You've also blamed the usual suspects;. TV violence, just way too much TV, my parents, drugs, alcohol ,the drugs and alcohol combo,Stephen King, the Devil, a devil, my neighbourhood, a devil in my neighbourhood,aliens,aliens possessed with devils in my neighbourhood that watch too much TV and do drugs.....

Or maybe your the spawn of Stephen King and an alien that was high on drugs and alcohol that got possessed by a devil while watching too much TV....
Yeah!!! I don't get I either.

But in my neck of the woods, it was just another day in The Rift.
Whatever....the point has been made;I have an imaginary friend(he hates it when I call him that) or something of the sort....any questions?

...This is usually the point where they excuse themselves and walk away very quickly mate!!!
Why?!They are afraid you'll carry them off to your cabin in the woods,psycho!

Seriously, questions would be much appreciated.
I figure you might all have some luck with figuring out why I have to live with an extra person in my head. I already have enough problems of my own without having a John Cleese/Captain Jack Sparrow/Rowan Atkinson/Ace Ventura/Keith Olberman/Guru Pitka following me around.

Hello?! You forgot to mention the Ranting Swede....
Stop sending across the wrong message; we're not supposed to come across as insane!
Thanks to your little argument with me at the restaurant,eating out has become a covert operation;you don't argue out loud with yourself in public places mate!!!
We just got here and we don't want to get thrown out again now;do we mate?

As I said earlier,the words in italics are his. I've taken to writing them ever since I woke up to find all my journal entries and some of my best work, mysteriously shredded. He still denies being responsible and I'm sure your wondering how my 'imaginary friend' ,who lives in my head, could possibly be responsible. Lets just say after my visit to several Mediums, Spiritualists, a few Native doctors and one very puzzled pentecostal Pastor, I have no doubts as to who messed with my files. But we've finally come to an understanding and its only fair we both tell our sides of our story.

Just for the record, about the files;It wasn't me people!
Are you going to believe yours truly or some guy with personality issues....your run off the mill nut job.
Quit blaming me for all your mistakes schmuck; I ain't the Devil.
I personally believe it was your ex though.
After all the...'creative stuff ' we did to/with her and all YOU said afterwards she had every right to do anything she wanted to.
Whatever mate; that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

My only doubts lie with the fact that he simply is an imaginary friend; but I'm not going to talk about any of that today. After giving it much thought,it would be nice to know more about the reason for my name , right? Besides I'd jump at any opportunity to piss 'you-know-who' off anyway;he hates it when he isn't in the spotlight.

The healer...
In not so many words a manic-depressive recluse. Obviously delusional with personality issues and immense psychological damage, most likely the product of an abused childhood or a very traumatized adulthood; all that 'chic-rejection' finally got to you mate.
Who could have guessed blue balls could lead to delusional paranoia; go figure....

Ignore him...
I am The Healer.
At least I used to believe that I was till hurricane 'Ace' rushed into my world destroying everything in his path. How does a hurricane do anyone any good? It just comes in and wrecks stuff,mucks up whatever else is left with smelly water and gives reporters something to talk about for a few days...

BREAKING NEWS!!!
Man commits suicide.......Smashes head with computer........just in; claimed he was trying to get someone out of his head........locals claim he was frequently seen alone engaged in heated arguments with himself..........local psychologist says he was a seriously troubled patient and his delusions had gotten worse in recent weeks.......
Come to think of it if ,you should work on getting your self killed.
Maybe, just maybe I could finally get a shot at some air time and be in charge a little more for a change.
We really should think about this;lots of possibility with this and we're not getting any more sane!

My thoughts have suddenly become like an abnormally twisted puzzle wrapped in an equally twisted ball of twine by a 5 year old high on steroids,coke and Freakazoid reruns... I think.
Being constantly second guessed by someone who believes aliens are the brains behind the Nigerian film industry, its a constant struggle to stay in touch with the real world. I'm doing it again;talking about him when I don't want to. What was I talking about again? Yes; me...

Us....

...and my name.

Hey mate,if anything I actually made your life better.
The only reason why you talk so much about me is because you need me mate....YOU NEED ME!!!

So for starters,my real name is...

Shmuckolopogus!!!

....Shmuckolopogus? No my name is.....

Namby Pamby!!!

Namby Pamby?! Wait a sec, I actually meant to say,my real name is...

Junk yard fodder!!!

....Cut it out Ace!!!
Stop messing with my fingers.....stop......I.....no!....am....Ace!...a villainous sack of goat slime!!!!!!!
Stop acting like a child!
Move over or i'll beat you into middle of next week...

....and i'll kick ur ass on Thursday morning...

Argh!!!! That's it!!!
I'm done.....you want to complete the post?
Do it your self and then we can fight afterwards!!!
Sorry people,he's somehow found a way to take over some times and my head is shaped like a pogo stick....
ACE!!!
Cut it out!!!

I'm seriously hoping he's pissed enough to try another priest or something.
I can feel my Award winning side kicking in!!!
Lets go there!!!

Major Bum-mer

“Do not put statements in the negative form.

And don't start sentences with a conjunction.

If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a

great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.

De-accession euphemisms.

If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

Last, but not least, avoid clichés like the plague”.

- William Safire

So there it is.

Its finally out in the open;I'm a grown man with an 'imaginary friend'. Or so I would choose to believe...

....the psycho Pastor that kept calling me names and dousing us in copious amounts of olive oil didn't think so,mate...

Either way,the disclaimer still isn't ready yet and I'm seriously thinking of getting a new lawyer...

...you should consider resumes that don't say 'buddy since high school' and maybe we could actually get our money's worth.

So till my lawyer/buddy sees it fit to draft the darned thing, we'll just get acquainted with 'The Rift'. Plus its obvious who is responsible for the annoyingly constant comments in italics.

Yes,your right;Ace. I still don't get why I'm compelled to write them...

...you mean besides the fact that your crazy?

I miss being normal. Just another run off the mill 'Joe'...the plumber. But everyday I have to redefine 'normal'... With that said, I believe at some point I'll have to explain what "normal" is in The Rift or maybe you could see for yourself. Here goes nothing...

It was meant to be a normal morning. But I guess it started normal and became 'normal' real quick.

On this 'normal' morning,like every other one before,all i really wanted was electric power,an amazing breakfast, good TV and to wake up in bed with Wendy Fitzwilliam from the Clear Essence ad.

As i lay in bed,thinking about what newbie angel heaven had left in charge of my life and why he was doing such a terrible job...

Or what TAC team in hell was working overtime...

...i figured the only upside to my life then was not having a job. Meaning I could be in the runnings for bum of the year!

I had my mind made up;i christened the day....'Major Bum-mer'!!!!

....catchy aye?

Things needed to make 'Major bum-mer' a success....

Judas(my worn out,super comfy sofa....if only he could talk...the memories...-sigh-),enough chips(bum's fuel) to survive a siege, Coca Cola IVs(caffeine works faster),X-Box360(hopefully me nephew hadn't nicked it yet) and electricity. Ran a check on everything and figured I'd need to drive out to get the 'bum's fuel'.

...TAC team from hell ready and operational,initiating stage one...

I hopped in the car with thoughts of finally cracking Rainbow Six...

3....2....1....

..and the car wouldn't start. I walk back into the house and the electricity was out. Walking outside thanking God for the foresight I had in getting a generator the month before, I wondered what else could go wrong. I pulled all I could but it wouldn't start either;now I was getting worried.

Stage one complete!

Like that wasn’t bad enough I couldn't find the generator technician's cell phone number. Plus I don't do motorbikes, meaning I had to walk to find him......

BAD IDEA!!!

Turns out because I couldn’t see the weather forecast for the day …

NEPA abi PHCN thank you very much! Una do well O!

…it was hot enough grill anything from a whole cow to bonga fish (fresh of course).Now don’t get me wrong it wasn’t totally bad. I had enough music to make Mozart tone deaf. Come to think of it I think that was what set me up for my next unfortunate event.

Initiating Stage Two....

Like any 'normal' day a thief happened to be doing rounds in the area I specifically chose to walk through. Coincidentally I was listening to Kill Bill Vol.2 soundtrack Chingon’s Malaguena Salerosa…

Wipe that look off your face. LOL. Its good music…Seriously!!!

…so I had no idea how insane things where about to get until I heard the loud thwack. I had been hit;hard. I had really large headphones on, surround sound and everything so considering I heard it that clearly...
Now thanks to years of studying 3 different martial arts, reflex produced the counter
Back kick and a ready stance followed by…

....for our mind we be bad ass!!!

But the before I could relish the benefits of a hard trained reflex…

Reality check....Back to the normal day!!!

…I was soaked in something very smelly and received another thwack;up close and personal this time. Aside from the fact that all this was happening so fast for some reason the music seemed to get louder…

But trust me,we could still hear those thwacks; loud and clear!

I had a few seconds to see the thwacker. Turns out he was the fastest runner in the group of like twenty lead thwackers followed by the rest of the neighborhood. Its amazing how I could be thinking all this while I was about to get served some serious butt trashing and a possible lynching; right?
Lets just say my white belt training kicked in; Running-away-from-the-bulls stance.

Abegi !!! even Jackie Chan would have taken off!

For some weird reason...

i guess it had something to do with some little gremlin in our player working hard at it again....

...my media player decided to skip tracks to some Lenny Kravitz song with him screaming something like,"i've got to get away,i've got to fly away".

I strongly believe whatever demons where on call in hell where veterans at stuff like this;i think they are the same guys that make Jack Bauer's day so great...

So while i'm trying to 'run away and fly away',i have your classic Chinese movie flash back scene...

You know the scenes where the lead character is being served a fresh can of butt whooping and he suddenly remembers some skill he got taught half way through the movie or the fact that his family got wiped out or some ridiculous reason like that and then he suddenly becomes the last son of Krypton...go figure!

...and i decide to do the only thing possible..."Thief,O! Thief,O!! THHIIEEEFFFFFF!!!(CENSORED)”.Now at this point your probably wondering how something that obvious and that silly would work.

Your definitely sure i'm lying right now,right?

Well you've never had a blood thirsty mob after you before;now have you?

I didn't think so either.

tsk,tsk tsk...quit being so picky and write...

Anywho,i'm running like one of them doped athletes,an entire neighbourhood at my heels,Lenny Kravitz shreiking in my ears and yours truly screaming after my imaginary thief.

It felt like those times when i was a kid and i knew without a doubt that no one could see me and because i believed they couldn't,they couldn't.

And they actually didn't!!!

At least things where looking up for me and no one was trying to thwack me or pour leftovers or stuff from their bedpans at me. Looking back i realized the psychos that attacked me first had slowed down a bit and the people

behind them hadn't seen me being thwacked so i was home free...kinda.

Erhm...Sorry to bust your bubble mate...but that was just the minions/TAC team going on a coffee break...

Evil minion Union laws.

Hey!They're people too...kinda.

So much for hoping things were actually going to be...normal again mate.

And yes;the coffee break was over...

Being ahead of the mob,screaming and running like i was,it turns out that the rest of the mob thought i was their noble leader!

Hey! i was the embodiment of the psycho mob...what can i say;go figure?

While i stopped to bask in the glory my of sudden promotion from mob target to mob grand master,i noticed...

i'm guessing the minions were pretty pissed that we weren't dead already...

The newbie they left in charge,Little Belzee,messed up BIG!!!So to fix it...

...a sudden confusion within 'my' ranks. Everybody wanted to be everywhere else but with my new found army.

So i'm seriously trying to understand the bloody mutiny and...

Final Stage ready and.....

THWACK!THWACK!!THWACK!!!

This time i took the liberty of adding a little jab and a roundhouse to my infamous back kick...

Too late. There were too many of them anyways;i passed out

Final stage complete...

So much for the bum-plans...

The entire day did turn out to be a major bummer.

...and then there was Ace.

I obviously haven't been taking my friends' advice seriously;its been like forever since my Iast and only post.
I also promised would write something when i wasn't depressed but right now thats as bad as waiting for Hillary Clinton to stop her campaign.
So...i'm sorry;thats as far as i go with apologies.
It is a heartfelt one anyways so...
Before i continue,one of my mates insisted i post a disclaimer.

...thats because he knows your going to pull off one of your infamous escapades and he'll end up having to bail you out again;plus you always forget to pay him back,you stingy piece of...

So until he is done drafting the bloody thing i'll do my best to be a good boy.
Shouldn't take too long though.Although i can't say much at least i can talk about my fall from grace...

...fall from grace?are you kidding me?Its more like a fall from sanity.How else did i get here?

It started out like any other day until i heard the words...
"Your fired".
I never saw it coming considering the bloody horoscopes said everthing would be cool and advised watching my love life.

And you don't even have a girl friend anymore;go figure...

My boss said i was getting fired for my general late coming,lack of team spirit and insubordination.But that was all total BS and i'm not about to give reasons.

I'm guessing thats because your a total hermit at work;efficient,but a hermit none the less...

Everyone at the office had a good laugh while i walked out with my stuff.
They all knew the real reason i was getting the boot.
Its a well known fact that my boss is a champion in his advocacy of womens 'rights'.
Every sighting of a female walking out of his office spells doom for every guy who'd missed work once,even if it was for a good reason.
So everyone hopes and prays his number isn't up or her number isn't up for not being a 'good' girl.
So i got the hammer this time;so much for being worker of the month.
Anywho,no point crying over spilt milk.

Without a job,wondering what in the name of Will Smith's jumbo ears i was going to do and hoping i get hit by a some rich guy with an amazing insurance policy and a big heart, i found i had somehow walked to a school.
I still haven't figured out how or why my feet brought me here;thinking about it a bar,a strip club or both might have been better.
While standing there i suddenly became aware of another person.
It felt like i had suddenly been dunked head first in a tub of ice.The sudden outbreak of goose bumps,a cold sweat and wobbly legs where all the warning i needed.
Even though i couldn't see anyone i could have staked my lousy 'ex-salary' that i wasn't alone.
Eitherway,totally caught up in a whirlpool of emotions,combined with a sudden ridiculous urge for ice-cream,the most amazing thing happened to me;i created Ace.

...that would be me!

Now being a Nigerian and all i didn't stand around asking the "is anyone there?" questions like they do in the movies...

...then they get killed or their limbs get chopped off or...

...so i figured i'd head home.Problem was the feeling lingered all the way back home.
it was nice but funny and scary at the same time. It was just a tingling in the back of my head but i also felt like a metal rock band was playing in my head;i actually think it was most likely Nirvana with 'it feels like teen spirit'...

Finally!
Home sweet home.
I almost kicked down the door in a rush for some asprin.
Turned on the tv and could barely focus;i vaguely remember some report about the hazards of self medication.Try one of my head-aches on for size and tell me pain killers are bad;Yall just ignorant bastards...
So i mix my self a drink with enough pain meds to become permanently impervious to pain...

A drink;yeah right. i toook me close to three hours to wake you.A fish never remembers how much water its had anyways...

...and i passed out.
So i'm having my best dream ever and just when i'm about to get to 3rd base with Jessica Alba...
'hey wake up we need to talk mate!'
Oh bollocks! that was Jessica Alba,you...
Then i hit me.Someone just spoke to me up and i clearly remember locking up after i came in.
So much for not getting robbed this year.
So i'm thinking how far i am from the door and how quickly i can make a run for it...
'You really ARE a sissy ain't ya matey.You make a run for the door and then what,aye?'
I knew i didn't speak out loud or did i?
'Of course you didn't but i heard you anyways...'
It wasn't making any sense.
At this point every ghost and demon story i'd heard as a kid came back with stunning clearity.
Like being scared out of my wits wasn't bad enough that lousy feeling from earlier came back again;stronger.
How could he possibly know what i'm thinking?
I thought i had finally lost it.The emotional stress had finally broken me;so much for following Dr Phils advice about stress levels and all...
'Aye!!! matey!'
I looked in the directon of the voice and there he was.
Looking back,knowing i was scared shitless and he knew exactly how i felt,feels quite embarassing right now.
What does he want,i thought and whats with the Irish pirate impression?
'i thought it would calm you down a little mate...Anyways all i want is everything you want'.
Who the hell is he and what does he mean by everything i want? How the hell can he tell what i'm thinking?
'its simple and obvious mate....i'm you'.
Oh crap!!! i HAVE lost it!

The Epiphany

What am i doing here?
It all started with me getting really broke.

if i remember correctly that came right after i had the Get-Drunk-Real-Quick fest........

Then i think became really philosophical about everything.

From World peace to why Superman wears his underwear on his costume.

To put it simply i could see everything. I didn't have to know anything,i just could see everything.Just so you know this ability as cool as it sounds does not afford me theability to remember what i see.
i can only see.
Stupid huh?

So much for joining the Justice League.

Blog.That was all my friends could say after they had all they could take.
After they each had serious bouts of depression,one of them broke up with his girlfriend,another started having accidents for no reason....i guess you get the picture.I'm taking their advice.So i'm here to let you see into the deep,dark,mess, jumbled up place that is my mind.

I promise to include a disclaimer in the next post....i won't be blamed for another suicide again...Seriously

Welcome to the Rift.
Nothing is really important here and everything is.I write only what i think is true.

Yeah right!

Really will do my best not to make no sense at all so please be patient with me.

Huh?!

Introductions are in order i guess. So.....I am the Healer.
Yes i know;everything i've said definitely says otherwise.You would do well to recall that was after the drink fest.Before my fall from grace i was a child of the earth.

Not a Hippie or tree hugger,i repeat,not a tree hugger!

Life was amazing.
Did i say amazing?i meant to say perfect. Actually found my utopia;beautiful girl friend, job that did not require me to be there, great mates and prospects for a generally amazing future until that day.

You know;THAT DAY! Like 9\11, the fall of Saddam Hussein,the death of Superman....you get dont you!

i would love to go into details but i think i will save that for later.
Well till i actually get to say something important i guess i will have to leave.
Pardon me but it is my first post.
I'll make it up to you in my next.

when i'm not so depressed....
L8r.